What is the closet like? It’s a complete separation of the inner life and what we show to the world. There is a secret interior landscape that stays secret. There has been much written about self-loathing or self-hatred in gays but I don’t feel that. I do feel, later in life, the desire to make the interior and exterior one. The desire to live honestly for whatever time I have left. Continue reading
My wife said to me last night that my coming out to her as gay drove ‘a stake through my heart’. And that she felt it would take years to recover. But she was focused on protecting our son and didn’t want me coming out to him until he was older. In fact, she wanted me to stay until January of his senior year in high school, almost two years away.
Two years continuing to live a compartmentalized life. Two years of playing house in a marriage that no longer has meaning for me. And two years older: at 54 I’m anxious to come out as soon as possible. I don’t want to be close to 60 when I first come out. Already at 54, I have problems with erectile dysfunction and difficulty reaching orgasm, probably a byproduct of my diabetes, even though I’m well controlled. So I want to get out quickly.
And more than the sex, I want some honesty in my life. I feel every time I walk into my home that I can’t breathe. I find that I’m happy when my wife is not at home so I don’t have to face her. Don’t get me wrong, my wife has been an amazing mother to my son and probably the best partner a man could ask for. I doubt that I’ll ever meet another person, man or woman, that will love me like she does. But at the same time, I feel deeply empty in the relationship and very hidden. She sees my wanting to leave more about sex, but can’t understand the deep honest connection I find lacking and which I long for.
Am I a dreamer looking for something elusive? Maybe. At heart, I think I am a romantic. I hope that I can find a man who I can have a deep connection with and love. Is that silly at 54? I hope that I can make my dream a reality. I hope my dream doesn’t take two years before I can move forward. And most of all I hope coming out to my son in 2012 is accepted easily by him.
I suspect one of the hardest decisions any gay man married to a woman must make is if he should stay or go. Keep the life and family he has or start anew. It’s a painful decision. I know. I go back and forth in my mind about this multiple times a day, yet I can’t seem to make a decision. Continue reading
I’m reading the autobiography of a gay married man. The book is, I Should Have Known: Memories of a Gay Married Man, By Dean Gardner Ostrum. What is striking about this gem of a book is the love letters between Dean and the man who became his life partner. The letters have the love and warmth of any two people in love and are lovely. Again, it points to a world of love and relationship between men that I’m only discovering exists and which I hope to find in my own life.
I never fully understood the coming out process for gay men until now, and I will only say that I’m beginning to understand it. It is like peeling back layers of an onion and never quite getting to the core. Each baby step that I take, which can seem so difficult, only leaves more steps to come. Continue reading
There are many times I look at my life and the success I’ve had. Work is a place that I’ve always been successful and with every job attained greater and greater responsibility. Continue reading
One of the eternal questions of my life has been around the cause of homosexuality and the means to change. For too many years I looked to psychological or emotional causes. As many men before me have said, “If there was a way to change, I would have found it”, and I don’t believe any of them ever did. I’ve come to see that whatever makes for gay is organic at a cellular atomic DNA level. Continue reading