One of the eternal questions of my life has been around the cause of homosexuality and the means to change. For too many years I looked to psychological or emotional causes. As many men before me have said, “If there was a way to change, I would have found it”, and I don’t believe any of them ever did. I’ve come to see that whatever makes for gay is organic at a cellular atomic DNA level.
But what is the programming that makes so many of us fight our core nature? I remember in the late 1980s and early 1990s, well before the Internet, spending hours in the gay chat rooms of The Source and later CompuServe. I was surprised to find so many married men in these early online places. I’ve since learned how common it is that men like myself make the choice to marry, have children, and work to suppress their very nature. I’ve known too many men, like me, that have fought against who they are for most of their adult life.
Marriage chooses a life that fits in the norms of society. At times I see my wedding band like the ring the green lantern puts on that shields him and gives him power. My wedding band conveys a protective cloak that says, ‘I’m one of you.’ The ring makes for ease over a business dinner as men talk about our children, wives, and lives. The person without children at the table, gay or straight, is always a bit out of the conversation. The pictures of my wife and child behind my desk also provide that same protective cloak which frankly, I am still afraid of losing.
So why do I care? I’ve done well professionally. I’ve put away a little money. Why do I give a crap at this point in my life? I don’t exactly know, but I do care. I’m afraid of taking off my wedding ring; of removing the pictures of my wife behind my desk; of telling coworkers I’m getting a divorce or that I’m gay.
What do I want? I want to live an out, proud gay life. I want to find a man that I can have a deep bond with. I want friends and a partner that I can be honest about who I am. I do feel my biological clock is ticking and if I’m going to make a move, it needs to be soon.