What Don’t They Get?

HIV virus

What don’t they get about being gay? I mean most of the country. Do you think anyone would choose to be gay? A person’s sexual orientation is at the most atomic cellular level. It’s so hard wired that any attempt to change it simply fails. I know. I tried for years to change from homosexuality. It began with almost 10 years of therapy followed by a few more years wrongly following a cult that promised it could change me. At the end of all that I thought I had mostly changed, but I was wrong.

As the years moved on I saw the attraction to men come back with a power that I could not deny. I married and have a son and for many years have wrestled with the choice to stay or go; come out or stay hidden. I cannot hide anymore, but I also see the toll the years in hiding have taken. I see in myself a degree of homophobia that scares me, and I don’t know how to get rid of it. I also see that coming out this late in life won’t be easy and will make for years of growth and internal change.

NSA encounters hold no attraction for me at this point. Porn, likewise, I find boring. I want true love. I guess I am a romantic at heart, but I want to find that one guy who I can be a soul mate with. At 54 it sounds like a foolish and possibly unattainable goal, but it is what I want. I want to find that one guy that I can be honest and real with and have a deep connection with. Is it possible? I really don’t know. I feel that so many of us are so damaged by this age, that I’m not sure what I want is real or attainable. I see guys on Grindr asking for someone who is real; who is nice; who is sincere and I think, that is what I want too.

So what don’t they get, the gay haters? Why is their Judeo Christian rightwing conservative bullshit any more real than my reality? All I know is that if I could have found a way to change from homosexuality, I would have. So rather late, I have come to see, this is who I am at a cellular organic level. That’s it. Just me.

I want to find the guy. The guy who can be my soul mate. The guy who I can be sincere and honest with. And I want to find out what my gay soul is really like because I am not sure that I know.

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