I never fully understood the coming out process for gay men until now, and I will only say that I’m beginning to understand it. It is like peeling back layers of an onion and never quite getting to the core. Each baby step that I take, which can seem so difficult, only leaves more steps to come.
While I have come out to my wife and sister, I still live with my wife and son. My wife has asked me to stay until my son is older. He’s 15 and a half now. I’ve told her that I would think about it, but staying is more difficult in some ways than all the years of hiding. Now my wife knows I’m gay, but we are still together. But in what way are we together? It feels more false than before. It feels like I’m going through the motions each day. It feels like we’re playing house.
Saturday was the day I had planned to sit down with my wife and talk about moving out, again. But next week I have a very big week at work and probably need to work all Sunday to prepare. I’m not sure I can handle both the work and drama at home at the same time. Honestly, I also feel comfy at home and afraid of this big change that’s coming.
So my plan is this, to sit down with my wife, who already knows that I’m gay and to whom I’ve already expressed my desire to move out, and give her a firm date. My goal is to be out of the house by May. That gives me about two months to find a place and make all the arrangements.
It’s not that I want to leave, but it’s too hard to stay. I’m out, a little, but still very much in the closet and it feels terrible. I want to date. I want to date soon, and I want to leave.