A Stake Through The Heart

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My wife said to me last night that my coming out to her as gay drove ‘a stake through my heart’. And that she felt it would take years to recover. But she was focused on protecting our son and didn’t want me coming out to him until he was older. In fact, she wanted me to stay until January of his senior year in high school, almost two years away.

Two years continuing to live a compartmentalized life. Two years of playing house in a marriage that no longer has meaning for me. And two years older: at 54 I’m anxious to come out as soon as possible. I don’t want to be close to 60 when I first come out. Already at 54, I have problems with erectile dysfunction and difficulty reaching orgasm, probably a byproduct of my diabetes, even though I’m well controlled. So I want to get out quickly.

And more than the sex, I want some honesty in my life. I feel every time I walk into my home that I can’t breathe. I find that I’m happy when my wife is not at home so I don’t have to face her. Don’t get me wrong, my wife has been an amazing mother to my son and probably the best partner a man could ask for. I doubt that I’ll ever meet another person, man or woman, that will love me like she does. But at the same time, I feel deeply empty in the relationship and very hidden. She sees my wanting to leave more about sex, but can’t understand the deep honest connection I find lacking and which I long for.

Am I a dreamer looking for something elusive? Maybe. At heart, I think I am a romantic. I hope that I can find a man who I can have a deep connection with and love. Is that silly at 54? I hope that I can make my dream a reality. I hope my dream doesn’t take two years before I can move forward. And most of all I hope coming out to my son in 2012 is accepted easily by him.

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