When I looked down at my wedding ring, like the ring the Green Lantern wore that gave him his power, I imagined my ring had the world see only the straight married man. My ring exerted a powerful force field that hid all the chaos inside and kept my torment about my sexuality hidden. This is a true story about how I felt inside all those years.
I took off my wedding ring the day I moved out of my house and into my apartment the third week of June 2013. From June 2013 until August 2014 I began a process of coming out to family, friends and work that now has me out in every part of my life. I do not miss my wedding ring, but like a limb that has been amputated, maybe there is still a ghost feeling for the ring.
When I think of divorce, like my green lantern wedding ring, marriage has that same protective quality. Even though my life is very out these days, I am afraid to give up being married to my wife. Even though we are separated we live off my income. We file taxes together. We talk about our son together and laugh at some of the silliness of eighteen year old boys.
My wife is still someone in my life, that I believe, if I were ill in the hospital, she would come to my side and fight for me. There is no other person in my life like that. I am afraid I would lose that in a divorce.
While I don’t see my wife’s parents much these days, I still love them. They are wonderful people who I would help out if they ever needed anything. When I do see them I feel the old closeness that we have had together. I feel I would lose that closeness in a divorce.
My son has been very supportive of my coming out, but I am still married to his mother, who he dearly loves and is protective of. I would be afraid that in a divorce somehow my relationship with my son would be damaged.
All this said, I know that I have to move forward towards divorce. The next part of my life is waiting for me. And to have that next part I need to be a single man, available to freely be fully and completely with another man.