I was traveling last week on business. Upon checking into my hotel I did what many gay male travelers do: I pulled out my iPhone and began checking out the local men on my apps: Grindr, Scruff, Mr X, and Manhunt, to see who was out there. I have learned that different apps are more popular in different geographic areas so sometimes one app like Scruff, which is great in Washington, D.C, may not be good somewhere else.

This trip I was in Charleston, W.V. The capital of the state. Grindr was where all the action was. As the new kid in town, I got swarmed with many guys wanting to chat. I lay on the hotel bed bouncing around from conversation to conversation, most of them not very interesting until I began to chat with a very sexy 34-year-old guy. He had a full dark beard, a well-muscled hairless chest with a large tattooed area on one shoulder, and a smaller tattoo on his chest. Our conversation was lively, intelligent, and of course, had a certain amount of sexual talk. We probably chatted for an hour and I found him very sexy and exciting. He turned out to be a police officer in the area and I found out that he was on duty in his patrol car while we were chatting. 

He said that he liked his sex passionate and wild and that he was very vocal in bed. Part of my fantasy with men is to be dominated. Not in a painful or bound way, but simply to have someone be forceful and masculine with me. The more we chatted my interest was peaked. Even though I had told myself that we were just chatting, I began to think more about getting together with him. When I asked where he was, it was at that point that I learned that he was at work in his patrol car and on duty until midnight, way past my bedtime. We agreed to stay in touch and try and meet in the future.

All of this leads to a question I have been thinking about in relation to the man that I’ve been dating at home. I am loving my new relationship at home and the feelings I have begun to have for my new partner. We have agreed that we both want an open relationship. But what does open mean? When should I follow my sexual urges? How much is too much? While I am definitely not one to sleep around with lots of different men, I find that my sexual desires continue to awake after years of being held down. I want to respect and honor my new partner but also am not dead and am enjoying flirting and exploring other men online or from afar. Sometimes it would be nice to play with other men but when is that the right choice. How will my partner feel about these other men? When do I bring another man into our bed? How do I protect the relationship we are developing and not water it down or weaken it?

These are not easy questions and as I write them down, I feel the right next step is to discuss them with my boyfriend. In fact, I love that we can have these kinds of conversations and think it is one of the wonderful things about our growing relationship.

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