Squeezing the Balloon

My goal in coming out was, in full public view, to fully experience the gay world, find love, and live happily ever after. And while this may read like a teenage fantasy, I think I am accomplishing my goals. 

I have been happier these last two years than at any point in my adult life. I’ve come out in all aspects of my life and have met a great man that I’ve been dating for the past four months.

My largest challenge is to find the time for everything I want to do and accomplish. My day job as an IT executive continues to take up most of my free time leaving precious little time for the rest of my life. While I really love my job—it is truly the best job I have ever had, I still want more. 

I want a quiet time in my life to write and read. I want to be more active in the gay community. I want the time to exercise. I want to focus on my love life and see it grow. I want to continue developing a great group of friends. And I need to find the time to move forward with a divorce from my wife.

All in all, I am amazingly happy, balanced, and finding my way very successfully in this brave new gay world. I am loving the relationship I am having with a great guy who I do not tire of being with. We never run out of things to talk about. I enjoy his funny, thoughtful text message. He gives amazing hugs and is a wonderful cuddler. I feel so lucky to have gotten to this point in my life that I can have this special experience with another man. It is truly the first time in my adult life that I have gotten to a level of intimacy and sensuality with another gay man.

In the support group I participate in for gay and bisexual men who have been married or involved with women, we recently talked about intimacy. I am struck by how many men see intimacy through the lens of sex and fear. They talk about what they would have to give up to find intimacy with a man. They have grown up hiding their sexuality with their only outlet being pornography or quick anonymous sex with another man. So few of these men have experienced the quiet pleasure of holding another man in their arms, touching, talking, giggling, kissing for what seems like hours. For too many of these men, intimacy is seen only through the lens of body and sex. Intimacy starts with a deep connection to another man. It is hard, if not impossible, to be intimate with the man you picked up for quick anonymous sex.

While I face an aging body, that has not seemed to stop me. I have worsening erectile dysfunction aided by Cialis and Levitra. My body, while slim, is not in the shape it should be in. I can barely find the time to exercise.

A few things differentiate me from many of my peers. I am fully out in all aspects of my life. But more than that, I believe I can have it all. I am not afraid of getting hurt or dumped. It goes with the territory. I believe in my own attractiveness and value. I feel comfortable in my gay skin. I love waking with my boyfriend arm and arm, or sitting in a restaurant, play or movie, with my hand on his lap. I do not give a crap at this point what anybody thinks. And conversely, I think I can have a good impact on the state of mind of people who see us together.

So what do I want? I want the time to experience and explore this wonderful gay world I have come out into.

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