Based on my earliest memories, I knew I was different from other boys. It was not simply learned behavior, but from the very beginning, something organic.
I never fit in with the other boys. From my earliest memories, I did not like organized sports. I preferred to play dolls with my sister, watch TV for hours on end, or imagine elaborate fantasy stories in my mind. But play baseball, football or basketball? I was not interested.
I was nervous yesterday morning as I drove from my apartment to my old house for Thanksgiving. Having separated from my wife two and a half years ago to live my life openly as a gay man, this would be the third Thanksgiving since our separation, that I returned to the house for a big family Thanksgiving.
I left my marriage to a woman two and a half years ago ago to live my life as an openly gay man. My decision to leave was a painful one. It took me a long time to finally decide that I had to go. I had gone back and forth about leaving the marriage for months. A turning point came in a therapy session. I came into the session despondent, unable to hold a simple conversation. The therapist, expressing his alarm and concern, suggested that I go on antidepressant medication. That session was a wake up call for me. I had no intention of going on antidepressant drugs. I knew in that moment that I really needed to leave the marriage.
In the 1970’s, when I was a teenager, my father worked very hard on a large multi-year project that had a high risk of failure. He worked long hours, was under a lot of stress, and came home tired and irritable. My father was a man of sharp edges. There was always something hard charging about him. He was not one to cross.
Where does one begin to describe a life? Did it begin when I was born? Did it begin when you were born nineteen years ago? Or did it begin when I first met your mother on the tour we both took to the Soviet Union in 1990? For me the story needs to begin on the day I came out to you and then moves backwards and forward in time from there.
This week all my worlds intersect. I have been out of my marriage to a woman for two and a half years now and have had a relationship with a wonderful man for almost a year. But this week is a crazy back and forth between my worlds. Continue reading