The Evolution of My Sexuality

I remember as if it were yesterday the sex I had that first year of college.

There was Eric who I was crazy about. He was so sexy, cute, and had a great smile.  We only had sex twice, and as I remember it, he cut off the relationship. But it is fair to say, Eric and I were both young and very confused about our sexuality that first year of college. I thought about Eric for many years after that, but it was not to be.

There was Jay whom I slept with when we visited the home of our friend Nina on a break from school. I found Jay adorable and sexy. Nina was aghast to find out we had done more than sharing a room in her parent’s home. Jay never came back to school after that first semester and we never heard from him again. I tried many times over the years to find Jay and connect with him but he was not to be found.

Then there was a guy whose name I no longer remember.  I met him in a gay bar not far from campus and we saw each other a few times.  He was tall and cute with big facial features. I remember he was a very sloppy kisser and I was not overly turned on by that. I soon ended the relationship.

Of course, there was Christopher, my first and last boyfriend for the next forty years.  We saw each other for a little over a month in the second semester of my first year of college. Christopher was truly crazy and it did not end well, but I remember how sexy he was as we had sex at night in my dorm room. He was tall and thin with curly hair and an adorable, wild smile.  He loved Barbra Streisand as only a gay man can. He would play her records on my turntable as he pranced around my dorm singing or mouthing the words and pretending to be Barbra. Christoper was truly crazy and confirmed my worst fears about the gay world. Going back into the closet after my freshman year of college was due in large part to the pain I was in after my relationship with Christopher exploded. But the full story of Christopher is best left for another day.

Ah, youth. My driving attraction to men and the passions I felt at eighteen years of age was so intense, strong, and unrelenting.  As the years have gone on that urgent, almost overwhelming drive has cooled. Orgasms are no longer the same driving destination. It has been replaced by a desire for long luxurious lovemaking sessions. There is something wonderful and lovely about making love on a Sunday morning. After sleeping late, having a wonderful breakfast, and showering, my partner and I often spend Sunday late mornings exploring each other’s body in long, passionate, lovemaking sessions. Our physical time together is so delicious I never want it to end.

How sexuality evolves as one goes through life is not something I have seen widely discussed.  I certainly never got the user manual that told me how my body and my sexuality would change as I age.  The urgent passions of those early years have given way to a quieter passion where touch, kissing, sensuality has replaced the intense drive to orgasm.

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