This Friday morning at 8:00 AM we meet with the oncologist for the diagnosis and treatment plan for my wife’s tumor. I feel like the student who knows the answers to the test before it is given. I spoke with the oncologist today and learned that he believed, with 90% certainty, that my wife has a liposarcoma tumor in her abdominal cavity, and that it was “certainly cancerous”. Liposarcoma behind her major organs is rare, affecting only a few hundred people in the United States every year. But with 10% uncertainty, and three more days to go before her appointment, her brother and I agreed that we should not tell her what I had learned. It was better for the doctor to get the results of the two final tests: the pathology report from the needle biopsy and the radiology report from the PET scan, and let him draw his final conclusions. To tell her what I had learned would only cause a few days of suffering, and could turn out to be wrong.
When I left my marriage three years and two months ago to begin my life as a gay man I tried to build a well of good will with my wife and her family. I attended family events like Thanksgiving; tried to make sure that money questions did not become divisive; and made sure that I never spoke badly to my son about his mom. I also tried to rebuild my relationship with my wife, which was left in tatters when I first left the marriage. As much as is humanly possible, I succeeded. ButI also wanted to move on with my life. I have been dating a wonderful man for a year and nine months and we both think and talk about making our relationship more permanent, starting with living together.
What is love? The LGBTQ movement adopted the phrase, Love is Love, during the marriage equality fight to make the point that when two individuals love each other, it does not matter if the love is between two men or a man and a woman. What part does attraction play in love? Can you love someone and not be attracted to them physically? Certainly, a mother can love a child and not be attracted to the child. But what about when it is two non-familial adults, does love require attraction and physical intimacy? Continue reading →
There is real death, and then there is what I think of as, the little death. When I use this term I do not mean what people describe as, la petite more, a term that is tied to the feelings at the point of orgasm. I always think of, the little death, as it was described in the book Dune, by Frank Herbert. He writes in the Litany Against Fear: “I have no fear, for fear is the little death that kills me over and over. Without fear, I die but once.” Continue reading →
In my prior post I described some of my thoughts and feelings as I approached beginning divorce mediation with my wife. Before finalizing and posting my last blog post I made sure that I had a conversation with my partner to share with him what I was feeling and thinking. I did not want him to read intimate thoughts and feelings that touched our relationship for the first time online. Continue reading →
A number of months ago, when my partner of a year and eight months and I first discussed the idea of living together I was very excited. But then I quickly got very scared. Although at that time I had not yet started the divorce process with my wife of 23 years, I had been avoiding doing anything that would rock the boat with her. The early explorations of co-habitation with my partner brought these issues to the forefront.