Several months ago, when my partner of a year and eight months and I first discussed the idea of living together, I was very excited. But then I quickly got scared. Although at that time, I had not yet started the divorce process with my wife of 23 years, I had been avoiding doing anything that would rock the boat with her. The early explorations of co-habitation with my partner brought these issues to the forefront.
My wife and I have now set a date to start mediation for divorce. To prepare for the first meeting with the mediator, I will need to summarize all my assets, along with copies of all financial statements, and bring them to the first meeting. I had planned to start pulling this together last night. I did not.
As I lay on the couch watching the latest episode of Mr. Robot, I began to get depressed, and my thoughts began to race. “Did I really want to divorce my wife? Maybe this was not a good time to start the divorce process. Maybe I should wait until my son is out of college. Did I really want to move in with my partner?”
Possibly contributing to my stir was the fact that I had quit my four cups a day coffee habit that day in preparation for a three week cleanse diet.
All of this swirled in my head, mostly in the background, and intermittently poking through to my consciousness, as I watched the TV. Mr. Robot is a dark and intriguing series. I had planned to watch this show and then spend one hour before bed on the finances. After the show was over, I sat for a minute thinking about the thoughts that had swirled through my head and trying to make sense of them.
When I had dinner with my son last week, we talked candidly about beginning the mediation process with his mom and about my potentially moving in with my partner. One of the things I said to my son, which I think has some truth, is the following: until I can get through the divorce process, I will not be able to see clearly my full feelings about moving in with my partner.
I care about my partner a great deal, but I am also beginning to see how the emotional swirl, as I move towards divorce, is akin to coming out, and the unconsciousness has all kinds of sneaky ways to pull you back in the muck you are trying to get out of.