Whose life is this anyway? I went from living my new gay life with a sense of freedom, joy, and fun to caring for my wife who was dying of cancer, caring for my father who is dying of old age, caring for my college-age son who found himself accused of hazing and working with my siblings to clean up my father’s estate, which is a mess.
I make lists of tasks every day and try to get things done. Some things, like my wife’s death or my son’s troubles, require both managing the details and providing emotional support. My father’s estate requires time, something I do not have very much of. The estate requires sifting through details and trying to unwind the financial minutia of a life long-lived. Oh, and there is the not so small task of getting my house ready to sell in the spring. A thousand details of repair and staging the house for sale and getting my son to clean out his room take up my time and my thoughts. And there is the small detail of my day job, which is full time, intense, and tiring.
I made great progress with my wife’s estate over the past eight months and just finished getting the estate settled. I am making progress getting my house ready to sell, although the list of tasks is enormous. And my brother and I are making slow and steady progress cleaning up my father’s estate.
I hate to have tasks undone so I constantly make lists and then work to complete the tasks on my list. I steal time from my day job and my nights and weekends to get things done. The things I have to do occupy my mind and distracts me. While I am doing something enjoyable and relaxing I think of a task that needs to be completed. I guess this is a form of stress.
My partner and I do not get enough time together. The time we get to spend with each other is joyful and fun. I think we are both grateful to have found each other at this point in our lives. But the days in between our time together is difficult. It is like a relationship hibernation while we live in other aspects of our lives. When we get together there is often a long embrace and reconnection. As our time together comes to a close, my mind begins to shift to the tasks waiting for me at home.
I long for a time when I can get my own life back, or at least a time in the future when the demands of everyone else’s life does not crowd out my own life.