Last evening my husband and I sat on the couch and edited the introductory comments that we will make for our virtual wedding ceremony. I was surprised how this began to make me uncomfortable.
Even though we had been married on April 1st with a local officiant, we had not told many people. I had written an email to my immediate family, and my husband took my email and shared it with his mother. Other than our families and a few friends, given the complexity of our wedding saga story, written about in the prior post, we had decided to hold off telling most people until the actual start of our wedding ceremony.
Last night I did not sleep well. I had one dream about our virtual wedding ceremony. My wife, who passed away a few years ago, was in the dream somehow directing the flow of the event. My husband and I were also there in front of the webcam. I remember thinking we are too close to or too far away from the camera. I felt in the dream that we were moving too much during the ceremony when we had practiced standing in one place. It was an odd dream, and I only remember fragments.
While we have been married for two weeks, the real wedding ceremony takes place before at least a hundred people watching our YouTube Live stream of the ceremony. This ceremony, even though it is virtual, is real and important to us. In planning a wedding, I had wanted to be married before family and friends. I felt that I had worked so hard to come out, date, fight my own internalized homophobia, and to find love, that I wanted to honor that journey by having friends and family witness our union.
My husband and I are very affectionate and hug and kiss a few times a day. It is one of my favorite parts of our relationship. But it is a private part of our relationship not seen by my family, coworkers, and friends. Embracing and kissing publically bumps up against vestiges of homophobia that still live in neither regions of my psyche. While I did a lot of work on myself for many years to uncover and get rid of internalized homophobia, I suspect it will always be there to some degree.
I feel fortunate to have met my husband. From when we first met, to our first date, until today, we both saw a spark between us and an attraction that was powerful. We have a beautiful life together, even during a pandemic.
While I suspect I will remain nervous until the wedding is over, I look forward to publically expressing my love for my husband and giving him a big kiss on the lips at the end of the ceremony.