The Little Death

Litany Against Fear

 

There is real death, and then there is what I think of as, the little death. When I use this term I do not mean what people describe as, la petite more, a term that is tied to the feelings at the point of orgasm. I always think of, the little death, as it was described in the book Dune, by Frank Herbert.  He writes in the Litany Against Fear: “I have no fear, for fear is the little death that kills me over and over. Without fear, I die but once.” 
Continue reading

The Cause

As I headed towards my 50th birthday in 2008 a number of things in my life were beginning to converge.  I was increasingly dissatisfied in my marriage.  As the world around me began to celebrate being LGBT, I was in hiding.  I felt that I was going through the motions: holidays with my wife’s family; birthdays with the same birthday cakes year after year.  I felt increasingly lonely, isolated and compartmentalized. I played the role of husband, father, bread winner while an internal battle raged about my identity and sexual orientation.

 
Continue reading

Squeezing the Balloon

My goal in coming out was, in full public view, to fully experience the gay world, find love, and live happily ever after. And while this may read like a teenage fantasy, I think I am accomplishing my goals. I have been happier these last two years than at any point in my adult life. I’ve come out in all aspects of my life and have met a great man that I’ve been dating for the past four months. Continue reading

Gay Boy Marching

Coming out at 55 years of age leaves a gay gap in my memories. I sat on the sidelines as AIDS raged. I walked the other direction in New York City when I realized the gay pride parade was in full wildness in the mid 1990s. When learned that an old friend of mine, Ken, had died of AIDS, I went to the memorial service, but then returned to my life in the closet.  Continue reading