The Little Death

Litany Against Fear

 

There is real death, and then there is what I think of as, the little death. When I use this term I do not mean what people describe as, la petite more, a term that is tied to the feelings at the point of orgasm. I always think of, the little death, as it was described in the book Dune, by Frank Herbert.  He writes in the Litany Against Fear: “I have no fear, for fear is the little death that kills me over and over. Without fear, I die but once.” 
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Meeting The Parents

I came out at work last year. As the day I planned to start coming out drew closer, my mind was besieged with all kinds of thoughts about why I should not come out. The smoke screen of messages, driven by what I began to see as internalized homophobia, almost stopped me cold. But as I began to fight these random thoughts, I saw the thoughts for what they were: old messages about being gay which I had grown up with that were long outdated and wrong. I was able to move forward and come out at work because I could see the crazy thoughts as false roadblocks. Continue reading

Unbridgeable Difference

I’m reading a wonderful memoir called Body Counts by Sean Strub. He and I are close in age and many of the places in New York that he went to in the 1970’s I went as well: a gay bar in the West Village called the Ninth Circle; Studio 54; the St. Marks Bath. I downloaded Body Counts by chance, not knowing much about Strub or his story. It just looked interesting. I am surprised by how well the book is written, with wonderful color and detail. Strub tells the story of AIDS from a deeply personal perspective while putting it into context of what was happening in the world at the time. Continue reading

Why It’s Sandra Bullock!

I really have only done drag once in my life, if you do not include the Rocky Horror costume I made my first year in college for halloween. My most recent drag experience was at a workshop I took a year ago the week before I separated from my wife. The workshop itself is hard to sum up, but simply put, it was a personal growth workshop for men only of all sexual persuasions, but most attendees were gay. Continue reading

Less Than Everyone Else?

Walking to my car yesterday morning, I noticed the HRC logo bumper sticker I had placed on the rear bumper of my car a few months ago. The day I put it on, I did so with a bit of fear and trepidation. I wondered if the car would be vandalized because of the sticker. I wondered if people would honk or give me the finger as a friend of mine had shared happened to him. But more than anything else this little bit of public display stirred up an old fear that I would be seen as less then everyone else. Continue reading