Category Archives: fear

Isolation In The Time of Pandemic

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We have been home now for over a week, leaving for only food and long walks around our neighborhood. Luckily, I am here with my partner, soon to be my husband. We compliment each other well and usually do not get on each other’s nerves. But I am anxious to get back to my more active life. I have been asking myself, what do I want to focus on with all this time on my hands? I’ve decided to resurrect this blog, which I used to write in more frequently, and to read more. I’ve also decided to watch less news.

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The Little Death

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Litany Against Fear

 

There is real death, and then there is what I think of as, the little death. When I use this term I do not mean what people describe as, la petite more, a term that is tied to the feelings at the point of orgasm. I always think of, the little death, as it was described in the book Dune, by Frank Herbert.  He writes in the Litany Against Fear: “I have no fear, for fear is the little death that kills me over and over. Without fear, I die but once.” 
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Meeting The Parents

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I came out at work last year. As the day I planned to start coming out drew closer, my mind was besieged with all kinds of thoughts about why I should not come out. The smoke screen of messages, driven by what I began to see as internalized homophobia, almost stopped me cold. But as I began to fight these random thoughts, I saw the thoughts for what they were: old messages about being gay which I had grown up with that were long outdated and wrong. I was able to move forward and come out at work because I could see the crazy thoughts as false roadblocks. Continue reading →

Unbridgeable Difference

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I’m reading a wonderful memoir called Body Counts by Sean Strub. He and I are close in age and many of the places in New York that he went to in the 1970’s I went as well: a gay bar in the West Village called the Ninth Circle; Studio 54; the St. Marks Bath. I downloaded Body Counts by chance, not knowing much about Strub or his story. It just looked interesting. I am surprised by how well the book is written, with wonderful color and detail. Strub tells the story of AIDS from a deeply personal perspective while putting it into context of what was happening in the world at the time. Continue reading →