Somehow my husband and I picked the perfect place to sit out a pandemic. We live in a suburban neighborhood in a rented house. Our small development backs up to a county park. We try and do two loops through the park and neighborhood, which is two miles, for our daily walk, weather permitting. We do not wear masks, which so many of my friends find questionable, but we do not come close to anybody in this low-density area.
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We have been home now for over a week, leaving for only food and long walks around our neighborhood. Luckily, I am here with my partner, soon to be my husband. We compliment each other well and usually do not get on each other’s nerves. But I am anxious to get back to my more active life. I have been asking myself, what do I want to focus on with all this time on my hands? I’ve decided to resurrect this blog, which I used to write in more frequently, and to read more. I’ve also decided to watch less news.
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As I have tried to think through why talk of marriage to my partner continues to cause a level of anxiety I have landed on the wedding kiss as one of the key triggers. Continue reading
I will have been with my partner five years this coming January. We have lived together for a year and a half. It has been a wonderful journey but our recent talk of marriage has me all stirred up. Continue reading
Litany Against Fear
There is real death, and then there is what I think of as, the little death. When I use this term I do not mean what people describe as, la petite more, a term that is tied to the feelings at the point of orgasm. I always think of, the little death, as it was described in the book Dune, by Frank Herbert. He writes in the Litany Against Fear: “I have no fear, for fear is the little death that kills me over and over. Without fear, I die but once.”
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I came out at work last year. As the day I planned to start coming out drew closer, my mind was besieged with all kinds of thoughts about why I should not come out. The smoke screen of messages, driven by what I began to see as internalized homophobia, almost stopped me cold. But as I began to fight these random thoughts, I saw the thoughts for what they were: old messages about being gay which I had grown up with that were long outdated and wrong. I was able to move forward and come out at work because I could see the crazy thoughts as false roadblocks. Continue reading
Last night, as I made love with my partner, thoughts of Christopher Wilson entered my mind. Christopher was my disastrous, short-lived, boyfriend during the second semester of my freshman year of college. Continue reading
