My Life: Vignettes Over Time – Chapter I

new-life-chapter-1

It is hard to know where to begin when writing a personal history.  Do I start as a small child already feeling different than my peers, or do I begin later when I first began to understand my attraction to men?  Let me tell this story through a series of vignettes over time. Continue reading

Different

Now, “different” is nice, but it sure isn’t pretty
“Pretty” is what it’s about
I never met anyone who was “different”
Who couldn’t figure that out

– At The Ballet from A Chorus Line

I knew I was different from a very young age, even though my mother, grandmother, and aunt tried to turn it into being special. As the character Bebe sings in A Chorus Line, I figured out that I was not like the other boys and it was not a good thing. I did not engage in baseball on the playground, I was completely disinterested in sports and could not get my head around the rules or players’ role in different games. Continue reading

Nantucket Reds

Nantucket Reds Walking around Nantucket yesterday brought up emotions in me that date back to my childhood.  My reaction to seeing a certain type of well to do men and women, dressed in elite preppy styles, full of self confidence and sureness, implying a closed exclusive world, is not good. It makes me cringe inside and feel uncomfortable. It also encourages my contempt. 
  Continue reading

Me and Football

The men stood around the large 36 inch color TV, encased in the fine wood finish of an expensive 1960’s television. They spoke a language that was indecipherable to me. Grunts and cheers. Screaming at the TV. “Ah, Christ, that was a terrible call.” “Go! Go! What’s the matter with you?” They spoke a raw angry tribal language I did not understand. The violence of their shouting frightened me. I was probably five or six years old. Continue reading

Masculine / Discrete

I see many profiles on sites like Grindr and Scruff tags or descriptor that say: masculine only; discrete; no fems. Why? Why, in this day and age where a man in many parts of the country can easily be out and proud, do men want the gay part of their life hidden? While I do understand this thinking, it also makes me angry. In my book, a man that wants to be discrete is immediate disqualification for a potential date. After fighting so hard to be out of the closet and to root out internalized homophobia and shame within myself, I do not want to go back in the closet. Also, the term discrete implies an anonymous hook up without the possibility of anything more. Continue reading

Real Boys Are…

I am fascinated by the subject of transgender men and women and their stories. Earlier this year I read Janet Mock’s new book, Redefining Realness: My Path to Womanhood, Identity, Love & So Much More. It was a wonderful book that I could not put it down. I am now reading another autobiography by a transgender woman, A Queer and Pleasant Danger: A Memoir by Kate Bornstein. This is a very different kind of book, but also quite enjoyable. Continue reading