Since before my wife’s death this past April, I began to live in the house that I had moved out of four years earlier, when I began my life as an out gay man. I had never planned to live in our house again. But that all changed as my wife’s health declined from terminal cancer.
On Tuesday my wife got a port put in her chest for the two chemo drugs she started yesterday to treat her cancer. The procedure, which took place at a local hospital, was expected to last a hour. My wife and her parents were at the hospital for six hours. When I heard how the day was going I offered to make them dinner so they could sit down to a hot meal immediately upon their return from the hospital. I knew they would all be exhausted.
Until my wife was diagnosed with cancer two months ago, I thought I was in the final stages of ending my married life and beginning a neww life with my partner. I went from planning my divorce to planning my wife’s cancer treatment. My wife’s battle with an aggressive cancer brought me back into her life, after three years and four months of separation. Her tumor was found the week before we were set to begin divorce mediation.
I was nervous yesterday morning as I drove from my apartment to my old house for Thanksgiving. Having separated from my wife two and a half years ago to live my life openly as a gay man, this would be the third Thanksgiving since our separation, that I returned to the house for a big family Thanksgiving.
This morning I spoke to a man who is in the process of separating from his wife and getting a divorce. He told me that he loves his wife, but after she found emails between him and other men that he was having sex with, their marriage broke down. He described himself as bisexual and equally attracted to both men and women. He went on to describe that he had not come out to his adult children or his friends and family because of how people see bisexuality. He feels that most people believe that bisexuality does not exist and that a man who claims he is bi is really just gay but cannot admit it. His wife has told him as much, which is very unfortunate.
This past Sunday was Mothers Day. While I feel my life has moved on in so many ways since separating from my wife almost two years ago, I felt that as the mother of our son, I needed to call her and wish her a happy mothers day. It was a strange feeling because I knew my wife and son would be getting together with my wife’s family to celebrate mothers day. Even though I would not have joined my wife and her family, it felt, none the less, like I had been left out of something. I called her cell. Got her voice mail, and left her a message. She did not call back. Continue reading →
When I looked down at my wedding ring, like the ring the Green Lantern wore that gave him his power, I imagined my ring had the world see only the straight married man. My ring exerted a powerful force field that hid all the chaos inside and kept my torment about my sexuality hidden. This is a true story about how I felt inside all those years. Continue reading →