Over five and a half years ago I came out to my wife as a gay man for the second time. The first time was shortly after we met twenty five years ago. After painfully wrestling with the kind of life I wanted to live going forward, I made the decision to move out of my marriage. My wife and I separated over three and a half years ago.
In my prior post I described some of my thoughts and feelings as I approached beginning divorce mediation with my wife. Before finalizing and posting my last blog post I made sure that I had a conversation with my partner to share with him what I was feeling and thinking. I did not want him to read intimate thoughts and feelings that touched our relationship for the first time online.
Beginning the process of divorcing from someone you were married to for twenty three years is not an easy process. It is complicated by the central reason we grew apart and separated in the first place: I could no longer tamp down, suppress, compartmentalize, that I was a gay man.
There was a man I got to know as I began coming out. Gary and I met on Grindr on a Friday evening in the Fall of 2011 as I sat in a restaurant, near Dupont Circle, eating dinner. I had just driven into Washington, D.C. from work and was grabbing a quick bite before heading off to a support group meeting for gay, bisexual and queer men who were, or had been involved with, or married to a women. Gary and I continued texting on Grindr over the next week and soon arranged a meeting. We immediately liked each other and had a good deal in common. My relationship with Gary never became physical but we soon became good friends and spent time together going to art movies and exploring the cultural scene in Washington, D.C.
A man that I recently met told me that he liked to have sex with men, but that he did not consider himself gay or bisexual. He did not feel any need to have gay friends and wanted nothing to do with the gay community. I asked him if he ever saw himself having a boyfriend or developing an intimate relationship with another man. He did not. He said that he simply liked sex with men, period.
The Family Leader is a Christian organization whose mission is to, “Strengthen families, by inspiring Christ-like leadership in the home, the church, and the government.” They do this, according to their website by, transforming the culture; impacting elections; and influencing policy. While the organization has chosen not to publicly endorse a presidential candidate before the Iowa Caucuses, they have encouraged their leadership to speak out. Bob Vander Plaats, President and CEO of The Family Leader, who the New York Time calls, “an influential leader of Iowa’s Christian right” has endorsed Sen. Ted Cruz. The Family Leader, said the New York Times article, is “staunchly opposed to abortion and same-sex marriage.”