Down Low (noun, adjective,verb): a word used to describe men who are secretly involved in sexual relationships with other men while maintaining casual and/or long termr elationships with women.
note:condoms optional (don’t ask don’t tell)
From:Finding The Down Low
For the majority of my marriage I was faithful to my wife, but there were a few quick, hidden outlets for my attraction to men: glances at men on the street and gay pornography. Gay and bisexual men who are married or in a relationship with woman, and who want to meet other gay men, usually find themselves on the down low. Sex with men, if had at all, is quick and fleeting. Postings on Grindr or other smart phoneapps have countless headless torso photos with men looking for ‘discrete’ or’NSA only’. When you’re living a marriedlife, and your wife is not aware of your same sex interests, there’s verylittle opportunity to develop any meaningful relationships with other gay men.
Coming out, on the other hand is transformative. I had dinner recently with a close friend ofmine and we discussed how life had changed for us since coming out and movingout of our marriages. For the first time in our adult lives we could developmeaningful friendships and relationships with other gay men. Very quickly the no strings attached hook up,which was the only thing available to us as married men, looked dull and empty. We found that we could build healthy gayrelationships with other men that continued over time.
|The Down Low
One of the problems of being in the closet is that it’s hardto imagine having a deep, meaningful relationship with another gay man when theonly outlet available is clandestine. Throughout my marriage the idea of buildinggay friendships seemed outside the realm of possibility.
I’ve marveled how different my gay relationships aretoday. They are deep, caring, out in theopen and honest. The Down Low doesn’thold any attraction for me, and when I meet men who want something more ‘discrete’I steer away. The Down Low, and all thesecretive dangerous sex that goes along with it, is really, in part, the effectof the weight of society or culture keeping a man in the closet. It’s tragic because it destroys lives.
I grateful to be alive now when the world is changing sorapidly and the possibilities for a full happy live for gay men are a reality.