Passing Water

In my early 40’s, I began to experience difficulty urinating. I learned from a urologist that I had BPH, Benign prostatic hyperplasia. BPH is a benign growth of the prostate, that, over time, as it continues to grow, makes it harder and harder for a man to pee. A man’s prostate, like his ears and nose, continues to grow as he ages. Ok, who designed this system? BPH effects most men at some point in their lives. 

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The Little Death

Litany Against Fear

 

There is real death, and then there is what I think of as, the little death. When I use this term I do not mean what people describe as, la petite more, a term that is tied to the feelings at the point of orgasm. I always think of, the little death, as it was described in the book Dune, by Frank Herbert.  He writes in the Litany Against Fear: “I have no fear, for fear is the little death that kills me over and over. Without fear, I die but once.” 
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The Cause

As I headed towards my 50th birthday in 2008 a number of things in my life were beginning to converge.  I was increasingly dissatisfied in my marriage.  As the world around me began to celebrate being LGBT, I was in hiding.  I felt that I was going through the motions: holidays with my wife’s family; birthdays with the same birthday cakes year after year.  I felt increasingly lonely, isolated and compartmentalized. I played the role of husband, father, bread winner while an internal battle raged about my identity and sexual orientation.

 
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