The Man for Right Now

A common refrain I have heard from older men, coming out later in life, after marriages to women, is this: “I have found the man of my dreams. I’m so happy.” That is, of course, until a few weeks later, when I hear, “It was incredible until he broke my heart. I’m devastated.”

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I Make Lists

Whose life is this anyway?  I went from living my new gay life with a sense of freedom, joy, and fun to caring for my wife who was dying of cancer, caring for my father who is dying of old age, caring for my college-age son who found himself accused of hazing and working with my siblings to clean up my father’s estate, which is a mess. Continue reading

No Longer Myself

What alters our sense of self?  How do major life events make us feel less ourselves, and at times, have us lose sight of who we are? Continue reading

Passing Water

In my early 40’s, I began to experience difficulty urinating. I learned from a urologist that I had BPH, Benign prostatic hyperplasia. BPH is a benign growth of the prostate, that, over time, as it continues to grow, makes it harder and harder for a man to pee. A man’s prostate, like his ears and nose, continues to grow as he ages. Ok, who designed this system? BPH affects most men at some point in their lives.  Continue reading

New Beginning

Last Saturday my partner came over to the house that I moved out of three years and nine months ago, to meet my wife and her parents for the first time.  This gathering was a long time in coming and was driven by my desire for my partner and my wife to meet. The timing was precipitated by my wife’s increasing decline from terminal cancer.  She soldiers on with a new chemo regiment that begins today, with the hopes of slowing down or shrinking the tumors that increasingly inhabit her abdominal cavity and lungs. These new drugs may only slow down the inevitable, but they will not stop cancer. Continue reading

Looking At The Future With No Regrets

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In my work, I have often prided myself at being able to look at a project and know from the onset if it would be a success or a failure. This same ability to project into the future and imagining what will be has always been a part of my life.  I can often look at a situation and see the essential outlines or framework of what it will be in the future, even if I can not see the details.  Continue reading

Wonderful Discovery

One of the stereotypes of gay men that I acquired around the age of fifteen, reading the homosexuality chapter of a terrible book about sex, was that gay relationships were fleeting; that gay men soon tired of each other as men continued their relentless pursuit of sex with other men; and that the idea of a deep loving passionate relationship between men was not possible. As much as I have changed over the last five years, I think this stereotype still lived on in the recesses of my mind.  Continue reading

God Wanted Me To Have Bigger Closets

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Over five and a half years ago, I came out to my wife as a gay man for the second time. The first time I came out to her was soon after we met twenty-five years ago. After painfully wrestling with the kind of life I wanted to live going forward, I made the decision to move out of my marriage. My wife and I separated over three and a half years ago.  Continue reading

My New Life

Until my wife was diagnosed with cancer two months ago, I thought I was in the final stages of ending my married life and beginning a new life with my partner. I went from planning my divorce to planning my wife’s cancer treatment. My wife’s battle with an aggressive liposarcoma cancer brought me back into her life, after three years and four months of separation. Her tumor was found the week before we were set to begin divorce mediation.  Continue reading

Ageless

After traveling to New York City on Amtrak, I headed for the F subway train, carrying my suitcase and backpack up and down the stairs. I got off the F train at the Lexington avenue stop and followed the signs to the uptown 6 train. The signs took everyone to a narrow broken escalator that looked to connect us to the floor above.  Continue reading