No Longer Home

 

Since before my wife’s death this past April, I began to live in the house that I had moved out of four years earlier, when I began my life as an out gay man. I had never planned to live in our house again.  But that all changed as my wife’s health declined from terminal cancer. 

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Butterflies and Runny Poop

I remember in college, when I would feel the need for sexual release as an explosion that needed to take place, my destination of choice was the baths.  I would arrive driven, nervous, with butterflies in my stomach.  My first destination, after paying the fee and getting my towel and locker key, was the bathroom, where my intestines would explode with a complete emptying of my bowels. 

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Looking At The Future With No Regrets

In my work I have often prided myself at being able to look at a project and know from the onset if it would be a success or a failure.  This same projecting into the future and imagining what will be has always been a part of my life.  I can often look at a situation and see the key outlines or framework of what it will be in the future, even if I can not see the details. 

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Memories of Past and Future

Today is the anniversary of my grandmothers death.  She died March 4th 2004 at the age of 100.  Tomorrow I will visit her grave, a ritual I do whenever I am in South Florida.  She is buried next to my grandfather, whom I never knew.  My grandfather died five years before I was born of a massive heart attack.  
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My New Life

Until my wife was diagnosed with cancer two months ago, I thought I was in the final stages of ending my married life and beginning a neww life with my partner. I went from planning my divorce to planning my wife’s cancer treatment.  My wife’s battle with an aggressive cancer brought me back into her life, after three years and four months of separation. Her tumor was found the week before we were set to begin divorce mediation. 

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Human or Animal?

 

 

One of my favorite sci-fi books of all time is Dune by Frank Herbert.  In one of the early riveting scenes, Paul Atreides, son of Duke Leto, is given the test of the gom jabbar by the Reverend Mother Gaius Helen Mohiam.  Without going into the details of what the test is – you will have to read the book — the purpose of the test is to know if Paul is human.  If Paul is not human then he is an animal.   

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