When I look back at my journals from 2012 when I first began to come out, what I wrote extensively about was finding love. I wrote in one journal entry, “I want true love. I want to find that one guy who I can be a soul mate with, that I can be honest and real with and have a deep connection with. Is it possible? I really don’t know. I feel that so many of us are so damaged by this age, that I’m not sure what I want is real or attainable.”Continue reading →
I remember in college, when I would feel the need for sexual release as an explosion that needed to take place, my destination of choice was the baths. I would arrive driven, nervous, with butterflies in my stomach. My first destination, after paying the fee and getting my towel and locker key, was the bathroom, where my intestines would explode with a complete emptying of my bowels.
There is real death, and then there is what I think of as, the little death. When I use this term I do not mean what people describe as, la petite more, a term that is tied to the feelings at the point of orgasm. I always think of, the little death, as it was described in the book Dune, by Frank Herbert. He writes in the Litany Against Fear: “I have no fear, for fear is the little death that kills me over and over. Without fear, I die but once.” Continue reading →
In my prior post I described some of my thoughts and feelings as I approached beginning divorce mediation with my wife. Before finalizing and posting my last blog post I made sure that I had a conversation with my partner to share with him what I was feeling and thinking. I did not want him to read intimate thoughts and feelings that touched our relationship for the first time online. Continue reading →
Beginning the process of divorcing from someone you were married to for twenty three years is not an easy process. It is complicated by the central reason we grew apart and separated in the first place: I could no longer tamp down, suppress, compartmentalize, that I was a gay man.
There was a man I got to know as I began coming out. Gary and I met on Grindr on a Friday evening in the Fall of 2011 as I sat in a restaurant, near Dupont Circle, eating dinner. I had just driven into Washington, D.C. from work and was grabbing a quick bite before heading off to a support group meeting for gay, bisexual and queer men who were, or had been involved with, or married to a women. Gary and I continued texting on Grindr over the next week and soon arranged a meeting. We immediately liked each other and had a good deal in common. My relationship with Gary never became physical but we soon became good friends and spent time together going to art movies and exploring the cultural scene in Washington, D.C.
My partner and I decided to go all out this holiday season. We are hosting a Christmas Eve dinner party at my home followed by a New Year’s Eve party at his home. It has been almost a year since we had our first date at a favorite Indian restaurant. January 4th is our one-year anniversary and it is hard to believe that almost a year has passed. Continue reading →